


Torn Feathers

by Luneth



Series: Feathers [4]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Bottling up your Emotions, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, You can bet if you go to Bro for help it's gonna be unhealthy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 19:43:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8502904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luneth/pseuds/Luneth
Summary: Requested Feathers AU Alternate scene where Eridan dies in the final battle and Dirk doesn't use the best coping mechanisms.





	

**Author's Note:**

> onceuponymous asked:  
> Speaking of being a monster: I don't think I ever will catch up on comments, but after we saw what Bro can do, Dirk started talking about getting rid of his emotions because they were in the way (while Roxy kept herself from screaming NO YOU DINGUS). Anyway. If you want a prompt, AU where my worries came true: Dirk goes to Bro and asks him to erase his emotions. (either the scene where it happens or aftermath)
> 
>  
> 
> You are a monster but I am the bigger monster for making this way sadder than it had to be.  
> If there are any errors or screw-ups then I hope you’re all too blinded by tears to notice. Have like four pages of Dirk and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

“So you came after all.” The man leaned back to glance over his shoulder, tipping his orange hat up to see the teenager who had joined him up on the roof. “You get lost or something?”

“Shut up.” Dirk growled. His voice was thick, and trembled. The older man smirked.

“You alright there, tyke? Look like you’re gonna cry.” Dirk’s lips curled back into a snarl and his katana appeared in his hand. “Easy kid, you can’t take me, and I know that’s not why you’re here anyways.” The man got up and turned around to face him. “Crazy fight, huh?” The man nodded to the street below, which still held the wreckage from the battle several days ago. “Didn’t know SBURB had it in them. Shit got crazy, but your boyfriend was the only casualty.”

“Were you there?" Dirk forced his words past his teeth, “Were you watching?”

“Nah.” The man crossed his arms. “I was watching Dave, making sure his head didn’t get popped off.” He tilted his head to cock an eyebrow at him. “But you were, weren’t you? You were right in front of him when it happened.” He pointed his finger at Dirk in an imitation pistol, then flicked it upwards. “Bam, three in the back, right?”

“I didn’t come here to fight,” Dirk snapped at him, “But right now I’m really starting to reconsider and go for lopping your head off.”

“Easy.” The man’s smirk widened as he raised one hand to calm him. His posture was relaxed, other hand dug into his pocket and weight resting on his heels. “Go ahead kiddo, tell me what you’re here for.” Dirk gnashed his teeth, then took a slow breath in.

“The funeral is in a week.” His voice rasped as he spoke but he fought to keep it level. “I can’t, I can’t deal with everything right now. I need to be able to keep my feelings down for the time being.” The man nodded.

“You want me to teach you how to kill your emotions.”

“I can’t go through these days like some kind of sobbing mess.” Dirk glanced down at the cement between them, then raised his head. “The others need me. I’ll be willing to make some kind of deal, but I’ll say it right now: Nothing to do with Dave.” The man chuckled.

“You know I could see him whenever the fuck I want. I’m not scared of a restraining order.”

“You’re scared of Ms Lalonde,” Dirk shot back, and the man’s mouth twitched down at that. “Enough about that, what are your terms?”

“Hm,” The man looked him up and down, “And what makes you think you have anything I want?”

They glared at each other through matching pointed shades. Dirk shifted his weight back onto one foot and adjusted his hold on his sword.

The man laughed, then raised one hand toward him.

“You’ve got potential. I can see it.” He flexed his fingers and a bolt of magenta cracked between his hands and Dirk’s chest, slamming the other Prince backwards and nearly tossing him off the roof.

“That’ll last you a bit,” The man said as he lowered his hand, “Next time you gotta do it yourself.” He turned and disappeared over the edge of the roof. Dirk sat up. His anger was gone. His sadness was gone.

 

000

 

He sat through the funeral. He put a rose down by Eridan’s still face. He looked like he was sleeping, aside from the perfect stillness of his chest. He sat through Roxy bursting into tears halfway through her speech. He sat through Cronus’ awkward attempt at a few words. He sat through Eridan’s father, who he had never met or spoken to before, express his sadness.

Beside him, Jane leaned over to ask if he was alright. He nodded. She frowned, but didn’t say anything else, and went back to hugging Callie.

After the service, Karkat came up to him.

“I’m sorry,” He said. Dirk nodded faintly, but Karkat didn’t leave after giving his condolences. He shifted from foot to foot, then glanced around.

“You guys were a thing, right?” He asked. Dirk nodded, again. Karkat bit his lip, opened his mouth, then closed it again. Dirk waited for him to say something else, but the seconds stretched by with him silent.

“Did you have anything else to say?” Dirk asked after awhile. Karkat winced, then sighed and shook his head.

“No. I, fuck, I guess not.” He shook his head, then turned away. “Just, forget it.” He went stomping off. Dirk watched him go for a bit, then turned back to join the others.

 

000

 

Dirk had all of Eridan’s stuff packed into boxes in a few hours. Eridan’s father was taking care of his apartment, leaving what he had left at the Alpha house. The others offered to help but he shook his head. He had a system all set up. Halfway through Roxy came in and wordlessly tucked aside a few scarves, clothes, and some wizard junk into a small box. Dirk didn’t protest. It’s not like Eridan’s dad would know exactly what would be in each box.

 

000

 

Dave texted him every so often, asking how he was doing, if he wanted to talk about it, that Ms Lalonde wanted to know if he was free to be over for dinner sometime. Dirk always answered that he was fine, that he didn’t, and that he wasn’t interested.

Roxy wandered through the house, moving slowly and mechanically like she was in a daze. She made her rounds through the rooms, asking if people were alright. She asked Dirk especially often, and he always told her he was fine.

Jane continued to bake, but not as often. Dirk noticed she stopped making lavender cookies, Eridan’s favorite.

Dirk found Jake often leaning against the wall or sitting on the couch, staring into space as his lips moved wordlessly. He spoke to the angels more often than other people.

Callie cried a lot, then she started drawing. She churned out dozens of pieces a day, first of all six of them, then just Eridan, over and over again. Dirk noted that her art skills were improving quickly with all the practice. He caught sight of her latest drawing. It was Eridan lounging back on the sofa one foot propped up on the coffee table and an arm slung over the back. It was a hard pose to pull off. His head was facing toward the viewer, his mouth twisted into that little pout when he was trying to look offended instead of smiling.

Suddenly Dirk’s heart wrenched. He placed a hand over his chest and took a sharp breath. Was he having a heart attack? There was a heavy pressure building in his chest. He wheezed and his other hand flashed out to steady himself on the chair. The pressure began to buckle. It was too much. He couldn’t-

The hand over his chest flared dark pink and he reached inside himself, seizing the feeling and ripping it apart. It disappeared.

“Dirk?” He turned around to face Callie, who was scrutinizing him, her teeth sunk into her lip. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah.” He dropped his hands back to his sides. “I’m fine.”

 

000

 

His hobbies weren’t so interesting anymore. There were more important things he could be doing. There were always imps that needed to be fought. He went out alone. He could handle himself.

Jane told him he shouldn’t be going out alone so much but he brushed her off. He knew his limits.

“It’s just safety!” She repeated, “I, I understand if this is what you need to do, but we don’t want you to…” She led off, then shook her head. “Why don’t you bring someone?”

“You’ll hold me back,” He answered, “I do better not having to think about what everyone else is doing.” She gave him an odd look at that, with her eyes wide and her mouth all scrunched up. He got a call for more imps across the city. It wasn’t Alpha’s usual territory, but he could still get there fast enough.

 

000

 

The pressure returned every so often, but he got better at ripping it away. Things went fine, but he began to have random bursts of irritability and anger. He knocked over a glass of soda and hurled it into the wall. He had it cleaned up by the time Jane came down to investigate. It hadn’t even stained.

In the living room, Jake opened a DVD case too loudly and Dirk told him to go fuck himself. He apologized a second later, but Jake still scurried off to his room, holding the case gingerly in his hands.

One day Roxy pulled Dirk aside to talk. She pursed her lips, then took a deep breath.

“I don’t think you’re handling this alright,” She started.

“Handling what?” Dirk asked.

“This…” She made an indecipherable gesture in the air. “Y’know, with Eri. I don’t, this doesn’t seem healthy, ya know? Ya know you can talk to me, talk to any of us about it. You don’t, You don’t have to pretend you ain’t hurtin.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Dirk answered, “I’m fine. It’s not hurting me.”

Roxy’s eyes narrowed, then she closed them for a few seconds, taking another, deeper breath.

“Dirk.” She met his eyes, mouth tight. “This isn’t healthy. This isn’t, it’s now what Eri would want you to do.”

“Eridan’s dead,” He pointed out, “What he wants is moot.”

Roxy’s eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open, staying that way as she stared at him for several minutes. He stared back. After awhile she jerked her head away and vanished. Dirk decided that meant the conversation was over and went off to respond to a call about some imps.

 

000

 

The pressure was returning more and more often. It crept up on him again as he returned from hunting imps. He pushed it down as he moved for the stairs. It trembled but didn’t fade. He frowned and pushed harder.

Something snapped. The ground rushed up to him. Jake shouted something. Darkness.

 

000

 

When Dirk woke up, he was lying in his bed, magenta light flowing around him. He turned his head to find a girl in a dark pink dress, sitting cross-legged on a chair with her eyes closed. Her hands sat palms up on her knees. It was her Heart Aspect surrounding him, flowing from her hands.

Behind her, Dirk caught sight of Roxy standing against the wall, arms crossed.

She looked absolutely pissed.

“Dirk. FUCKIN. Strider,” She growled, “You have scared the literal crap out of everyone.” He blinked slowly, then swallowed.

“Sorry?”

“SORRY?!” She roared and flung her arms up over her head. Oh yeah, definite anger in her voice. “What were you THINKIN?! Erasin all you emotions?! What part a you said that was a good idea?! You just fuckin dropped in the lobby! You could've-” she stopped, then her shoulders slumped and she took a shaky breath. Her voice cracked as she continued, “W-We thought we were gonna lose another member, you fuckin dumbass.”

“Roxy-”

“You're an idiot.” She hiccupped and wiped her eyes with her sleeve. “A huge fuckin idiot, ya know that?”

“I couldn't handle it.” He hated saying it, but he needed something, some excuse. Roxy glared at him.

“Sh-Shaddup. You're didn't see me drownin myself in a bottle a vodka, did ya? We-We're all upset! And it hurts! But we need to handle this together. Y-You can't just...” She sniffed and wiped her face again. “Y-You're gonna have to let Sylph here patch you up. She says she can fix it. So just, rest here ok? I'm gonna go tell the others you're ok.” She got up and walked out, closing the door just a little too loudly.

Dirk sighed heavily and lay back to stare at the ceiling. His heart ached. He figured it would be doing that for a long time.

He thought of cool fingers brushing his cheek, almost felt the warm metal rings on his skin. He covered his eyes with his hands.

He cried.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope ur fuckin happy.
> 
> Also this little ficlet was supposed to be 100% sad but I have to say the person I feel the most sorry for its the random Heart Aspect who agreed to heal Dirk and subsequently had to sit awkwardly through Roxy’s tearful ranting.
> 
> “Should’ve fucking sent Jessie she couldn’ve fixed this but no I have to be the NICE one. Oh God, is he crying now? This could not be more awkward but now he's **crying** Jesus Christ."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Shaking Like A](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8697091) by [Onceuponymous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onceuponymous/pseuds/Onceuponymous)




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